can Truth be tiring? 16 Nov 11

i read the following today and found myself perplexed at what it did to me.
i found myself letting it settle within my spirit while at the same time growling at it under my breath.

 ”what you are willing to walk away from will determine what God will bring to you.”

this has been a different sort of season with Jesus. more grounded than ever – seeing growth, healing, bonds broken and life. so on one side there is depth, intimacy and a deep certainty in Him and how He moves. flip the coin and i find myself asking Him questions that have never been asked before by me. and these questions bring an interesting dynamic to our relationship as i pursue Him for Truth in this. me needing, wanting Him to answer – Him being very nonchalant in how the answers play out … if at all. and all the while i still feel close to Him.

it is strange.

maybe its strange for me because of what it seems to speak.
i have never regretted the decisions i have made to seek the Lord’s kingdom. i don’t look back at what was. every step forward has brought life and revelation in ways that astound, move my spirit, and draw me deeper into peace. i have always been willing and ready to walk into obedience that requires sacrifice and am willing to let go. i took the verse in Matthew that says “seek first the kingdom and all these will be given to you” at face value. i firmly believed that God would do that which He promised and if i kept my face up and my feet moving forward toward His plans – kingdom movement, restoration, freedom, healing, health, truth, grace, love, salvation, mercy, unity – i win.

i win.
i win?

this season doesn’t look like winning. i feel like i’ve lost. a lot. and am questioning – is this worth it? truly? the pursuit of Truth has exacted much of me. and where before i would readily give, now i look around and think – what else is there to give? have i given everything? i can’t see what i have left? is this still winning? is it winning when i realize that i’m tired of what it costs? that when i hear Truth, i can’t help but feel compelled to move toward it – all the while understanding that it will only create discord within my spirit.

i have spent my life pursuing the kingdom of God. i can see no other way. and i don’t want another way.
but i keep asking Jesus… is this worth it?
i am trying to give everything…but for what?
i would never have expected to have wrestled with this question in this way.

yet strange. because the certainty of Jesus is not gone. i don’t feel frantic, anxious, uncertain. not at all. and i don’t feel guilty or bothered asking my questions. i don’t know how these are ending up on two sides of the same coin and why they will not meld together. yet they seem to exist completely in paradox knowing the other side is there and it not being a bother.

i’m not sure if i believe it, you know. the pithy saying above.
sometimes what you walk away from is simply that. what you’ve walked away from. it doesn’t guarantee anything.

and even in that…

Jesus is.

 

chink in the armor. 29 Sep 11

“we are conscious…that so often we have failed to drive out the enemy. he is still lurking in a stronghold within us of which we are bitterly ashamed in our best moments. he knows the weak points in our armor.”

the scene that keeps flashing through my head is from the movie “a knights tale” where william is going up against the count. the count has tipped his lance and goes for the space between his breastplate and shoulder/arm cover. he strikes william and pierces him, leaving his arm useless. william struggles with being able to hold his lance which means he may not be able to finish the fight…

i have a weak point in my armor. i know it is there. problem is i can’t see it. and i don’t know what it is. i have a guess about what it might be, but regardless of whether or not i know it, my enemy does and knows exactly how to pierce it. and he is ruthless in how he gets it done. he’s done it again recently and now i am left with the journey of how to fix the wound and repair the armor.

do you know what it takes to fix armor? the blacksmith holds the busted piece of metal over a hot fire until its soft enough to mold. after this, he grabs a hammer and starts to pound it back into shape. pounds! he beats on the armor until it takes the shape he wants. and for wounds? there is usually some painful anesthetic poured on the open wound … and then it may scab, but the healing process takes a while. and every time you move it breaks open. after that you have the recovery process of using that part of yourself again. neither process is pretty or easy. both are necessary.

at the end of the movie, william overcomes the injury by sheer power of will, fights and wins.
and i know a power that is greater than the human will.
and He’s here helping drive out the enemy.
and He’s already won.

i just need to walk in that.

voice. 25 Sep 11

its been almost a year since i have written anything. not just here, but anywhere – journal, idea book, study notes…nowhere. in a season that beckoned me to silence, i found that my words felt incomplete. unable to communicate the depth of what i was experiencing and the riches i was experiencing in a season, i simply shut my mouth and all mediums i used for that expression. but that season is drawing to a close and i find myself caught – between longing for the silence and the beauty of not speaking up and the realization that i was created to be a voice.

solomon tells us to “speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute. speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and the needy.” and he tells us to do this right before he shares about the woman of noble character. this is probably bad exegesis, but i tie those passages together. to be a woman of character means to speak up. to speak truth.

this past week speaking up was not brandishing a picket sign, standing on a street and shouting my opinion at those who unfortunately crossed my path. it was about speaking on their behalf to the God that i profess to follow.

a family that lost their college daughter as she fell off a cliff hiking
a woman who is constant pain and discovered that to fix it means she is unable to have children
a young woman who has lost two babies and is surrounded by friends experiencing the joy of birth
a young man recovering from a flash fire that burned over half his body
a sweet student who’s immune system is attacking her and has left her wanting to die
and a falling out between dear friends…

crying for them, i, in my inadequate voice, plead with the Lord to intervene, to rescue, to redeem, to restore… to do what he does best. and in the midst of being overwhelmed by the suffering – not even of the world! – just these few near me, i found myself longing for eden. the simplicity and innocence of what it was like way back then…

for now however, i’ll use my voice. 

glory building unaware… 13 Nov 10

i just read through the list of Jacob’s sons in Genesis. its interesting that as i read those names, they are more than just pronouns. there is a vast history that is now encompassed by them. because i know the rest of the story. i read Levi and think of the Levitical preisthood, the keepers of the Temple, those who birthed a line of Pharisees and teachers of the law. and Judah, being referenced later as Isaiah talks about the Messiah being a Lion of Judah, his scandalous past and his regret over the treatment of his little brother, Joseph. and holy cow, Joseph! his story of slavery, jail, and then rising to great power and the abilities God gave him. and that from these 12 men – an entire people would experience the hand of God as He led them out of exile, into a desert, drove out people groups before them, settled them in a land of milk and honey, allowed them to be conquered, oppressed by Romans and eventually from them would come a Messiah… what an incredible story!

but my guess? they had no idea. for them, they were just living life… tending cattle and sheep, taking wives, having babies, feasting and partying, going to temple sacrifices… their lives were not extraordinary to them.
but from them… a history changing momentum was birthed.

as i sit here and think about that, i’m blown away by what that might mean for me. i’m just doing life. nothing more, nothing less. but i want it to be more. and in my culture, for me, that means some sort of renown or fortune.
but what if my life is building a glory that i am unaware of that will come down the line…

jesus the weight trainer. 12 Nov 10

my body was aching when i woke up this morning. not sick or flu achy. weight training achy. its a good ache. every time i laugh, walk up stairs or reach for something i am aware of my muscles.

i like it.

i really like feeling strong. i am proud of myself for pushing it so hard. that my body is going beyond what is the norm and developing the muscle to do so. the sensation to push yourself – to go harder, faster, get better…etc. – is one i’ve always enjoyed. i will go through seasons of going hard and then i hit a plateau. because the weight for my body isn’t as difficult as it once was. its something that it can now handle. and i hang out there for a while, but then i get bored so i figure out a way to up the ante. like meet with a trainer. go to a class. and my body begins to do these things i never thought capable. now, its not easy – the extra 10lbs or extra reps hurt. sometimes i feel like i want to throw up… but i do it. i do it because i know how i feel later. i know that what i’m investing now pays off in the end. i feel strong. i feel healthy. i feel able to do… and i like that feeling. alot.

it hit me recently that Jesus is a weight trainer.

i would call the last year of my life one of the toughest seasons i’ve been in. what i have been processing in my heart, mind and spirit is often overwhelming and weighs on me in physically visible ways. joy and hope are a bit harder for me to find, my mind is constantly racing, my body is weary, and my heart seems skittish at best. there have been days where death seemed like a better alternative. (ps: not contemplating ending it… just wanting to be with Jesus instead of here.)

and then – as if it couldn’t get any harder – BAM! Jesus throws on some more weight. one more thing to look at, process and deal with. and it hurts. the growing of my spiritual muscle aches and the next step seems unbearable. but i grunt and i go one more step … and then one more… and i feel the ache throughout the day and the rest of the week.

and then one day i wake up and it has passed.
i can tell within my spirit that i’ve reached the next plateau – the next level. that i’m beyond the training of the last season and i am stronger. i have walked through the darkness and there is the light and my response to it is deeper. newer. more intimate.  i am more sensitive to the Lord’s promptings, His nudgings and His voice. and i know that He is now giving me a time of rest. to enjoy this new state of strength.

but it will not last. and that’s okay. i wouldn’t want it to anyway. the day will come when a new round of training will come to take me to the next level. because Jesus and i both know the same thing.
the only way to get stronger is to up the weight.
and what you gain? so worth it.

promise. 27 Oct 10

though from here to there is quite far
i am content.

for i know that in our hearts lie the same desires;
for adventure, discovery and the pursuit of all things Good.

and knowing THIS… i smile
knowing that the Good we sojourners seek
means that our paths will most certainly once again meet.

[to you dear friend.]

deeper: an invitation to brokenness. 3 Sep 10

i have been fighting it. well, maybe fighting it isn’t the right word.

i, of all people, am intimately acquainted with it. it is very much a part of my spiritual journey. i see and can understand its value. how imperative it has been for my growth… as a human. as a woman. as cindy.

“I am just like you before God; I too have been taken from clay…,” so said Job.

but i’m tired of it. i’m just flat out weary. i don’t want to embrace it this time. i want to run away or ignore it. i want to pretend that it doesn’t have to be a part of my life anymore. that i’ve gone through enough and i’ve paid my dues. i want to just keep on doing my thing, being a part of where He’s going and what He’s up to without …

steeling. that’s what i’ve been doing. steeling myself against Him.
against the Hands that continue to mold and shape. steeling against the strategic way they sculpt and pull at the clay.
and then the kneading back into a formless lump in order to start over.

my heart hurts. and my body aches. and my mind is going a million miles an hour.
but how does one rest in the midst of the formation?
its in the silence – the stillness – that my chest feels the most heavy. laden with…

I AM… the potter.
that means that i am clay.

He has stopped kneading. there is no pulling. no forming. no sculpting.
because i’m steeling myself against the Hands. no more, i say.

and so He waits. patiently. sitting on His haunches. waiting for me to once again let down my guard.
to let Him into the wounded places. the broken places.

to knead. to form. to build.
the question for me is, “am i ready? will i let Him?”

i want to. and that’s all i’m capable of today.

curiouser and curiouser. 22 May 10

the other night a friend was likening all of us girls to different disney characters. we had jasmine, mulan, and belle… of course i was cinderella. the name and blonde hair predisposes me to it. but once it was said, another guy said… “no. cindy’s not cinderella. cindy’s more like… alice. she always asking questions.”

i like that.

“around here, however, we don’t look backwards for very long. we keep moving forward, opening up new doors and doing new things, because we’re curious…and curiosity keeps leading us down new paths.” – walt disney

you know how sometimes you read something it speaks to you somewhere deep? like there is a force behind you and it seems to beckon as if its leading you down a path that the force so desperately wants you to follow? knowing that if you follow then you will discover the very thing its wants to show you? it was like when i saw this for the first time it was doing that very thing. for me… drawing, beckoning, pleading with me to pursue it.
so naturally, i did.

it led to a place where there was a split in the road: one leads to what was and one leads to what will be.
and i felt as if i was being posed with a question.

“are you willing to let go of all the potential of things now that you’ve been holding on to and discover the reality of what could be?”

it sounds like a strange question. but i think its more normal than we think. its natural for humans to keep holding on to different things – friendships, jobs, relationships, pursuing the status quo – always hoping for the best. though, wishing is a better word. unfortunately, its the holding on that keeps us from moving forward, fully engaging the approaching of our life. we keep grasping – willing things to change, be better, be different. when sometimes they just aren’t. certain relationships won’t change. job situations – even through the course of promotions – are in so many ways still the same. and not that any of that is bad. on the contrary, sometimes its very good. stable. secure. unless it becomes something that keeps us stuck.

and i got myself stuck. hoping (wishing) for more to happen in certain areas of my life. and i had to come to the reality that some things will not change. good, bad, indifferent – they just are what they are. and for some of those items, it makes my heart sad – because i can see all the potential. but just the potential is there… it doesn’t guarantee its fulfillment.

so i? i chose the path to a new reality. i chose to let go of that which i have held on to for years, and so desperately – wishing that it would be different. now realizing that it is what it is. and that’s ok. i just need to not think it will look different than what i know. but instead choose to seek new direction. situations. people to befreind. places to discover. more about humanity and myself. beyond what i know and into something that will challenge me to grow.
a new place. a new frontier.

a place where i can follow all the rabbit holes i desire.

the disher. 22 Mar 10

“how did your preaching gig go last week?”

that was what one of my new coworkers asked me the other day at work. he’s a dishwasher and a pretty cool guy – but not at all what i expected. the dishers get to listen to music while they work and he’ll crank everything from old honky-tonk country – like patsy cline – to hard rock. he’s got a cool mohawk, dresses in all dark clothing, has several facial piercings but speaks with a very kind voice. its quite the paradox.

he saw me reading the Bible one day at work and scratching down notes and asked me what i was doing. i told him i was going to speak at a college group that week to which he responded… “that’s cool.” a few days later i was reading the Bible off my phone (yes, i know – i have it on my phone and that’s nerdy but its so handy!) and he laughed at the fact that i could read something so tiny. he asked me if i read the Bible often and i told him yes (although during this season thats a stretch). he said he’s read most of it and its got some good stuff in it. i asked him what his favorite parts were. he said he liked John a lot. that the Corinthians had some good stuff in it and that Revelations used to be his favorite…

and before i knew it we were having a discussion about Scripture and religion. he grew up southern baptist. but got into trouble and was in prison for several years. he’s in pre-release for the sixth time (meaning he’s gotten caught with something and sent back) … and this time is actually on the verge of getting out. he just got a cell phone for the first time. he’s about to sign a lease on an apartment. and he’s enjoying all of it.

he wouldn’t call himself a Christian specifically anymore. he’s read a ton on different religions and thinks that all of them hold some good in them. but now… he sticks up for me when others make comments about me reading my Bible in the break room. crazy.

and all the while, i find myself pleasantly surprised at this unexpected friendship with a “hardened criminal” who enjoys reading, can have a great conversation about Scripture, and who thinks its cool that i preach.

hearing His voice. 5 Mar 10

To man belong the plans of the heart,
but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue. provs. 16:1

one of the most beautiful things in the world to me is the way that the Lord speaks. i love hearing how people heard and responded to His voice. i love stories that include the movement of God through speaking to His children. it moves my heart. i’m overwhelmed that God would so freely give of Himself in that way to His loved ones.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to hear Him better. i’ve read books. i’ve spent much time in Scripture study and in prayer. i’ve sought counselors, mentors, and those who i think hear better to hear on behalf of me. and i realized that after all this time…I still don’t trust that i can hear from him. and this is a problem. because in this season i’m feeling quite frantic about it.

i’m in a place that i was unprepared for. i keep retracing my steps, the paths that i took that got me to here. i’ve gone over my time with the Lord over and over and over. seeking, searching, looking for what i might have missed. what i got wrong. and i can’t find anything. i can’t see where it might’ve gone wrong. i see Him in every step along the way. and it doesn’t make sense. i can’t make heads or tails of it. because all these paths have me to here….

here: where my heart is crushed. and plans shattered. plans i believed that the Lord was leading, directing, guiding.
and its gone.

the plans of a heart. but the Lord has the final word.
and i’m at a loss. and no matter how hard i try process, grieve, allow for healing… i’m afraid that it won’t come. so in a frantic pace i am searching for the Lord’s voice. desperately needing His words, because i know with everything that is in me that He is the only that can help me.

yesterday i heard a trusted pastor say that those who know God’s Word the most, hear His voice the best.

and that’s encouraging for me. and for those of us that love His word.
even when hearing seems a bit strained. it will come.
He promises.