the disher. 22 Mar 10

“how did your preaching gig go last week?”

that was what one of my new coworkers asked me the other day at work. he’s a dishwasher and a pretty cool guy – but not at all what i expected. the dishers get to listen to music while they work and he’ll crank everything from old honky-tonk country – like patsy cline – to hard rock. he’s got a cool mohawk, dresses in all dark clothing, has several facial piercings but speaks with a very kind voice. its quite the paradox.

he saw me reading the Bible one day at work and scratching down notes and asked me what i was doing. i told him i was going to speak at a college group that week to which he responded… “that’s cool.” a few days later i was reading the Bible off my phone (yes, i know – i have it on my phone and that’s nerdy but its so handy!) and he laughed at the fact that i could read something so tiny. he asked me if i read the Bible often and i told him yes (although during this season thats a stretch). he said he’s read most of it and its got some good stuff in it. i asked him what his favorite parts were. he said he liked John a lot. that the Corinthians had some good stuff in it and that Revelations used to be his favorite…

and before i knew it we were having a discussion about Scripture and religion. he grew up southern baptist. but got into trouble and was in prison for several years. he’s in pre-release for the sixth time (meaning he’s gotten caught with something and sent back) … and this time is actually on the verge of getting out. he just got a cell phone for the first time. he’s about to sign a lease on an apartment. and he’s enjoying all of it.

he wouldn’t call himself a Christian specifically anymore. he’s read a ton on different religions and thinks that all of them hold some good in them. but now… he sticks up for me when others make comments about me reading my Bible in the break room. crazy.

and all the while, i find myself pleasantly surprised at this unexpected friendship with a “hardened criminal” who enjoys reading, can have a great conversation about Scripture, and who thinks its cool that i preach.

hearing His voice. 5 Mar 10

To man belong the plans of the heart,
but from the Lord comes the reply of the tongue. provs. 16:1

one of the most beautiful things in the world to me is the way that the Lord speaks. i love hearing how people heard and responded to His voice. i love stories that include the movement of God through speaking to His children. it moves my heart. i’m overwhelmed that God would so freely give of Himself in that way to His loved ones.

I’ve spent my whole life trying to hear Him better. i’ve read books. i’ve spent much time in Scripture study and in prayer. i’ve sought counselors, mentors, and those who i think hear better to hear on behalf of me. and i realized that after all this time…I still don’t trust that i can hear from him. and this is a problem. because in this season i’m feeling quite frantic about it.

i’m in a place that i was unprepared for. i keep retracing my steps, the paths that i took that got me to here. i’ve gone over my time with the Lord over and over and over. seeking, searching, looking for what i might have missed. what i got wrong. and i can’t find anything. i can’t see where it might’ve gone wrong. i see Him in every step along the way. and it doesn’t make sense. i can’t make heads or tails of it. because all these paths have me to here….

here: where my heart is crushed. and plans shattered. plans i believed that the Lord was leading, directing, guiding.
and its gone.

the plans of a heart. but the Lord has the final word.
and i’m at a loss. and no matter how hard i try process, grieve, allow for healing… i’m afraid that it won’t come. so in a frantic pace i am searching for the Lord’s voice. desperately needing His words, because i know with everything that is in me that He is the only that can help me.

yesterday i heard a trusted pastor say that those who know God’s Word the most, hear His voice the best.

and that’s encouraging for me. and for those of us that love His word.
even when hearing seems a bit strained. it will come.
He promises.