the value of strength. 8 May 12

this past weekend i had the opportunity to watch some of the fittest athletes in the country compete on a scale that was unfathomable to me. it was inspiring to see what the human body was capable of doing with the right training. and challenging because i couldn’t help but wonder if i’ve truly tested my limits.

i value strength…
strength of character (integrity)
strength of mind (believing Truth)
strength of heart (keeping feelings composed)
strength of body (exercising self control)

and i’ve (mistakenly) prided myself on my own strength. at the beginning of the year, the Lord gave me three words that would be the theme of 2012. the words were

STAND
STEADFAST
STRONG

i found myself excited at the prospect of what the words could mean! here i thought that they were a mark of where i had come, who i had become and that i had arrived at the next level… (as if there are?!)

silly me.  

thinking there was set me on a path this year that has shown me how tired i get standing, that i am not as steadfast in my thinking and decision-making as i would have hoped, and that i am weak. vulnerable. there is no strength in cynthia jean fjell. it was a harsh reality to face.

when i try to stand on my own

: i find that i am a woman who has made many mistakes and continues to make them.
: i am aware of my own inadequacies, the flaws in my character, the deep needs that haunt me from within.
: i am selfish – a girl who wants things she cannot have and throws tantrums.
: i am self-centered – thinking only of me and not how it will affect those around me.
: i am self-seeking – looking for that which will add value to my life.
: i find that my spirit loses to my flesh and all that is valuable to me is trumped by the immediate – what is presented to me.
: i find that i am unaware of the enemy and how he is trying to take me out.

STRENGTH.
“the joy of the Lord gives me strength….”
a couple of days ago, in the midst of my weariness, two friends prayed over me. after, one friend was staring at me with wide eyes. she told me that she’d hadn’t experienced anything like that before. experienced what, i asked. ”cindy, as i laid my hands on you i could feel so much light and warmth.” she shook her head as if in disbelief (mind you, she is hesitant about things like this)… “i could feel how delighted the Lord is in you. you have no idea how much He delights in you. i wish i could show you what i just saw.”

“the joy of the Lord gives me strength…”

so I asked the Lord to show me what gives Him joy.
and its me. its us.
we give Him joy. and as we feel His delight in us, we find our strength.
we STAND firm knowing that He loves us. we are STEADFAST because He is faithful to us.
and we are STRONG because He is strong. and He has made a home in me. in you. in us.

these are the things that He longs to create in us – so that we can be warriors for His kingdom.
to fight, but it no longer leads to weariness and defeat.
rather, the fight challenges, energizes and inspires us… He does this for us.
oh, to have the strength of a warrior.
Your warrior.

whose steps am i taking? 20 Feb 10

“I know, O Lord, that a man’s life is not his own;
it is not for a man to direct his steps.
Correct me, Lord, but only with justice – not in your anger, lest you reduce me to nothing.” Jeremiah 10:23-24

The previous ten chapters that lead to these verses is one warning after another to the Israelites. They have forsaken the Lord, they do their own thing, they follow after their own desires and seek for their own pleasure. They do not care for those who are in need – the fatherless, the widow or the oppressed. They are all greedy and all seeking their own gain. Time and time again, Jeremiah goes to them, speaking the words of the Lord. Reminding them that if they would just come back, walk in the ways of the Lord and obey his commands that all would go well with them.

They do not listen.

Its normal for me as I read through the Old Testament to see myself in the Israelites. It was a little more difficult to see the similarities as Jeremiah called them out on their sin over the last ten chapters. Until I got to this verse…

It is not for a man to direct his own steps. Or a woman. And yet, all of us do. Now, granted some of plan “godly” steps. We do things that we believe are honoring to the Lord or will advance his kingdom. And maybe in some small way they will. But if we were honest with ourselves, we’d realize that its not really our responsibility. Maybe that’s where it gets tricky… we’ve been told our whole lives that it is.

“It’s up to you to make something of yourself.”
“You can be whatever you want, choose carefully.”
“It’s your life, what are you going to do?”
“No one else is responsible for your choices. You have to own them.”

In honesty, on some level I agree with this. Its so in me to do life this way…to grab hold of my life and then work to make it what I want or think it should be. Which is troublesome, because as I do that, the moment I find myself in a place where its not turning out the way I had expected, planned or hoped… then I instantly look back at what I’ve done. Did I do something wrong? Did I miss something? Is there something I should be paying attention to?

And that’s the problem. I think that I have control over more than I really do.

I’ve spent the last several weeks pursuing answers and the next thing like a madman. Desperate to discover what my next step was. Hopeful that with each door I knocked on, it would be the one to swing wide open and I would walk through ready for what was behind is. Instead, I have repeatedly had door after door after door shut in my face. I find myself discouraged and losing heart… wondering what in the world is going on.

The pursuit is not a problem. I think its actually a good thing.
But its not for ME to direct my steps.

“For when I brought your forefathers out of Egypt and spoke to them, I did not just give them commands about burnt offerings and sacrifices, but I gave them this command: Obey me, and I will be your God and you will be my people. Walk in all the ways I command you, that it may go well with you.” Jeremiah 7:22-23

This is what He’s asking of his children. Just to walk with him and in the commands he gave. To love him…and to love  his people well. The rest is really dependent on him. And I do not say that lightly because depending on the Lord takes a lot of intentionality, waiting, praying, seeking, and allowing him to move how he sees fit.

Father, give us the ability, desire and want to let you direct our steps… We will move forward, but we will trust you with the opening and shutting of doors. And Lord, when we get to stepping out on our own, then correct us with justice – in discipline. Help us be willing to receive whatever You have for us.

surrender: isaiah 6 pt. 3 10 Feb 10

“Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”
And I said, “Here am I. Send me!” Isaiah 6:8

Its the only response that makes sense in light of everything.
Its actually quite logical when you think about it.

Isaiah just had his world rocked. He realized that everything he thought about himself and everything that people told him about himself was false (see pt 1). Then as he is lying on the floor before the throne of the most Holy Lord…the Lord moves toward him and begins a process of transformation (see pt 2). So the question is, really, what else was Isaiah to do?

This has long been touted as the quintessential “go and be a witness” verse. In light of what Isaiah is going through, my guess is the last thing he was thinking was, “Yes Lord. I’m good. I’m so ready. I got this covered. I want to make a difference and change the world. I’m ready. Pick me! Pick me!” This is the perspective of so many Christians. Grandiose ideas and plans of how to save the world. “Look at me! I’m going to affect change. I know best and all of you who’ve gone before, you just don’t get it. But me? I’m enlightened. And I’ll show you. I know what people need and I’m going to give it to them…and hundreds upon thousands will be saved because of my efforts! And God’s gonna be with me and bless me, because after all I’m doing it for him!”

Uh…nope.

Isaiah’s world has just been turned UPSIDE DOWN. In major ways! This is NOT what he was thinking. I have a feeling it was more along the lines of this…

“Are you kidding, Lord? I’ll go. I don’t know how. I have nothing. Anything I do on my own will be pointless. I just know that I am so overwhelmed by You, who You are, what You are and so unbelievably grateful… I will give you what I have and I have nothing else to offer you but my life. My legs. My hands. My voice. You get it. I will deny you nothing. Its yours. Utterly. Completely. Exhaustively. Thoroughly.”

And that is the exact moment when God moves. He can do a lot with someone who is in this place.

He can do the impossible…

This is where we come to the end of ourselves. We stop directing our own lives. We stop arranging for this cute, convenient, happy little life here on earth and we begin to see that there is so much more going on. And this is where the journey with God becomes this huge, crazy adventure. We see miracles. We see lives change. We see things that are beyond this world.

Because lets be honest. Its not that God needed Isaiah. That question wasn’t from an “oh, crud” moment – “Well, angels. Dang. Shoot…how am I going to communicate truth to these people? I mean…I got nothing. So now what? Can we send a human?”

No, this was an invitation to Isaiah.

“Isaiah. Now that you see clearly…you want to see something cool? Want to live beyond your own theories and ideas of me? I’m already moving. I started before you were born and I’ll continue after your gone…but if you want, you can be a part of it.”

And Isaiah got it.
And his next thought was, “No way am I gonna miss this. I’m all in.”

cleanse: isaiah 6 pt. 2 8 Feb 10

Then one of the seraphs flew to me with a live coal in his hand, which he had taken with tongs from the altar. With it he touched my mouth and said, “See, this has touched your lips; your guilt is taken away and your sin atoned for.” Isaiah 6:6-7

Right before this, Isaiah found himself in the presence of the Lord and it rocked his world. (see previous blog – pt 1) His perspective on everything – including himself – had changed. And now in the midst of that state, the humbling of himself before the Lord, the Lord took action. The Lord made a move…

He cleansed Isaiah.

He took the selfishness, pride, false godliness and goodness, disobedience and all personal traits that Isaiah leaned on instead of the Lord for worth, value and accomplishment … He took it all. He cleansed Isaiah of all that kept him from experiencing the Lord in his fullness. Then He brought him to the place where he could again stand. However, this time he was not standing on his own goodness…he was standing because of the Lord’s goodness to him.

Transformation in the  life of the believer is what comes after the realization of our true self. It is the understanding that we are nowhere close to who we were originally created to be. The greatness in this is that out of the Lord’s goodness and favor, He’s provided a way for us to become what He intended us to be. It’s an door wide open for us to pursue that process of change. But there’s a key word in that statement….

pursue.

And by pursuit, I don’t mean we figure it out ourselves.We don’t run after more books by authors who have it all together. We don’t talk to more people for their opinions and advice on how to be better. This isn’t about doing more “do-good activities” to be better. It won’t come through anyone else or anything else, it goes back to what started this whole process in the first place.

Being in the presence of the Lord.

That’s what we pursue. Him. Being in His presence. And then we let him be God in our lives. He knows what we need. He knows where we’re at. He knows what the best process for transformation is. He know EVERYTHING. Including, what’s best. And as we seek to put ourselves in His presence, we are constantly coming to the realization that without Him we’re nothing and have nothing. And every time we realize that, He takes the step toward us to cleanse us. He holds the coal to our lips. He lifts us up and strengthens us to stand. He doesn’t leave us in a state of despair over ourselves…He gives us hope by providing the way to becoming who we were to be in the first place.

Our need to make our lives better on our own is, in its simplest state, pride. We resist needing to rely on anyone. This is why the realization moment is so crucial…its leads to the place where we know that we can’t do it ourselves. Once we get there, then we’re able to let Him.

realization: isaiah 6 pt. 1 7 Feb 10

“Holy, holy, holy is the Lord Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory. At the sound of their voices the doorposts and thresholds shook and the temple was filled with smoke. “Woe to me!” I cried. “I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty.”  Isaiah 6:3-5

We’re taught that we are pretty good. Not perfect, but good enough. All we have to do is smile, be nice and treat others fairly decent then we’re doing this whole Christian life thing pretty well. Sure, we might curse occasionally or get angry and yell. There might be some people we don’t talk to, some we might gossip about, but we can cut ourselves a little slack…being nice ALL the time to EVERYONE is virtually impossible. So as long as more than half the time we are at least trying, then no worries. In fact, we’re probably better than most.

Two problems. 1: It’s not true. 2: We believe that it is.
We go to church on the weekends, a bible study during the week, read our Bibles, perhaps journal, and occasionally pray. Sure we have some issues and, you know, “sin” occasionally, we might even feel a little inkling that we’re not where we’re supposed to be, but we’re aware of that. Sometimes people tell us that because we’re aware of it, its a mark of maturity. So that suffices. We continue to pursue life the way we want, confess when we’re not living the way we should…but often don’t actually do anything to change it. Why do we need to? We’re doing okay, people applaud our efforts and our good intentions. And for the most part, our hearts are in the right place…

Isaiah was a prophet of Israel. God spoke directly to him. He, in turn, spoke to others what was told to him. He knew right from wrong, understood justice and pursued truth. He aligned his life with the commands of the Lord. Kings and nobles came to him seeking answers and advice, women blessed him and people stood in awe. Even if they didn’t like him, they revered him. As far as they were concerned, he was ahead of the game when it came to godliness. Maybe Isaiah thought so too. Everything changed as soon as he came into contact with the Lord’s presence.

For its in the presence of the Lord that the truth of us is revealed.

All of Isaiah’s “goodness” and “godliness” meant nothing…was nothing…is nothing. He fell facedown: aware and ashamed for thinking that he was any good. “I am unclean. No good. And I live with people who are unclean. No good. He came face to face with the depth of his depravity, the truth of his need of the Lord and could no longer buy into the “I’m pretty good” view any more.

This is THEE most important part of a believers walk. There MUST be a breaking point. A moment of utter awareness and enlightenment. That place where we realize we’re not really good at all. The fact that there is nothing about us that is attractive, skillful, talented, real, authentic or smart. The realization that we lean on those things and think that they contribute to our goodness…our godliness. We’ve got nothing in and of ourselves to make us good or to offer to others around us.

Its where we look in the mirror and see ourselves for what we really are. Inherently selfish, prideful, self absorbed, vain, lustful, worldly, judgmental… prone to be disobedient and sinful. We follow the Lord because its a good thing to do and people around us are doing it too, not because we desperately need Him. Its in this moment where we fall to our knees and agree with the truth: Lord, I am not worthy to be in your presence. You are good and perfect and holy. And I am no where close…

Not with all the church attending, bible study going, praying, talk of spiritual matters…

Not with all the pretending and the good-enough games masking the selfish pursuits…

This is the moment of truth. The moment our hearts are revealed to us and we are brought to our knees.

And oh…what a beautiful and absolutely necessary moment it is.

following cloud and fire. 26 Jan 10

“Then the cloud covered the Tent of Meeting, and the glory of the Lord filled the tabernacle…In all the travels of the Israelites, whenever the cloud lifted from above the tabernacle, they would set out; but if the cloud did not lift, they did not set out – until the day it lifted. So the cloud of the Lord was over the tabernacle by day, and fire was in the cloud by night, in the sight of all the house of Israel during all their travels.” exodus 40:34, 26-38

“He did miracles in the sight of their fathers in the land of Egypt, in the region of Zoan. He divided the sea and led them through; he made the water stand firm like a wall. He guided them with the cloud by day and with light from the fire all night. He split the rocks in the desert and gave them water as abundant as the seas; he brought streams out of a rocky crag and made water flow down like rivers.” psalm 78:12-16

the israelites didn’t know how easy they had it. the LORD, the GOD OF THE ANGEL ARMIES, the KING of all, the CREATOR of the universe had appeared to them in a very real and tangible way and was literally guiding them step by step as He led them to the place He had prepared for them. step by step. cloud lifts. pack up camp and follow it. cloud stops. set up camp and hang out. not only was it leading them step by step, there was no doubt that He was near them! and still. and still! i see them have a hard time trusting him.  they didn’t trust that He was good. they didn’t trust that He had a plan…that He would take care of them and that He was fulfilling His promises.

i found myself rather envious of that physical, tangible reminder they got. what i wouldn’t give to know the certainty of the Lord’s presence. to be able to look out my front tent flap, see a big cloud filled with fire and think, “ok, He’s still there.” what an incredible thing that would be…

and then. the realization. the God that they follow is the same God that i follow today, right? and God’s desire is to lead His children (and yes, we could get into a big debate about free will and predestination, but for the sake of our own breath and the desire not to want to smash our head in a wall, lets not…). it happens. that truth has not changed. at all. as i thought about what the last few weeks have looked like for me, i came to realize that He is still up to pretty much the same thing. leading his children.

come follow me.
i created you. i formed you. i know what’s best.
i will never leave you.
i will lead you.
in the desert, through the mountains, over the river and through the woods…
trust me.
and just because i’m God and cool like that, how about i throw in your own personal Guide?

now, i don’t have a cloud or fire. what i do have, however, is the very presence…ahem, Spirit… of God HIMSELF in me! ME!! and i get to follow and pursue His movements that way that the Israelites followed His glory in a cloud and fire. better than that, actually. i get to speak with Him myself and not wait for a priest to go on my behalf! (interesting tidbit: when the Spirit comes, most often it looks like fire. coincidence? probably not.)

but this is where the revelation came in. there is a very active part i – we – play in this whole story. yes, the Israelites got to visibly see the presence of the Lord. but they had to pack up and go after it. it wasn’t like God spoke from the cloud to Moses and said, “ok so follow this river until you see a cactus and then hang a left…go for you about 15 cubits and then stop. i’ll meet you there.” no. He wanted to be with His kids. He wanted to travel with them. and everytime He moved, He invited them into a journey, a process of transformation, deepening faith and of becoming His people.

and its no different with us. the Spirit of God is still very active in our lives and in the lives of those around us today. its our job to watch for Him, to be attentive to His movements and to know we’ve been invited to go with Him. and then we pack up and follow Him there. no map. no concrete directions. just a trust. the assurance that as God He knows what He’s doing. even if you don’t know where He’s going.